Friday, January 18, 2008

This Journey

I have been very hesitant to post lately. Not sure what to share and what not to share. This journey I'm on is a very personal one, yet I've promised God that I will share what I'm learning so that someone might be able to receive some encouragement from the bumps in the road I'm encountering. A comment I received today prompted me to go ahead and share some things God is doing in my life right now. And I want those of you who have been praying to see some of the fruit that is resulting from your faithfulness.

First of all, I continue to be amazed at the way God has worked through my blog. After posting about my battle with depression, I have received comments from bloggers that I've never received comments from before, never knew they read my blog, never read their blogs before, yet they leave me a comment to let me know they are praying for me. That is very humbling.

I have told a couple of people in the last few days that God is literally changing my life. Change is never easy, but when God is involved, what comes out on the other side of that change is so much better than what He started with.

On this journey, I've come to realize that perfectionism--something that has been a part of me for almost as long as I can remember--is very self-centered and shows a lack of trust in God. This was a hard realization to come to--one of those kick-you-in-the-gut kind of realizations. But yet the more I've processed this, the more I realize it is true. Who am I to think I can get everything "just right"? Who am I to think I know what "just right" is? What freedom there is in knowing I'm not always going to get it right, and that is okay. In fact, more often than not, no one is expecting me to get it just right except me.

On this journey, I am enjoying being a mommy so much more than I have been in past months. Not that I have been neglecting my kids or anything like that. But all too often, I would allow my to-do list--what I thought needed to be done, like keeping all the laundry washed, keeping the ironing caught up, keeping the kitchen floor clean, doing a little extra work with my business, etc.--get in the way of just sitting down to play a game. Or getting out a fun recipe and cooking up something fun together. Or sitting down to watch a movie with them and cuddling under a blanket. I am determined not to be a mom that looks back with regret because of what she didn't do with her kids when they were little. God is assuring me that no one else seems to be bothered by the crumbs under the table; no one is running around my house naked for lack of clean clothes to wear (they may be running around naked, but it's not because they don't have something to wear--not to mention any names, but she happens to be 2 1/2); no one is picking apart my wardrobe when I leave the house, so putting on that pair of jeans without ironing them will not cause the world to end; and going to bed because I'm tired and leaving the other 57 things left on my to do list undone is more than okay. (Not only am I enjoying being a mommy more, truth be told, my kids are probably enjoying being my kids more now, too.)

On this journey, I'm learning that taking time to take care of me is not just a good suggestion--it is imperative. I've given lip service to the importance of caring for yourself, but I haven't done a good job of actually doing it. And my body has been letting me know. If I want to live the life God has for me, I must take care of this temple and quit running it into the ground every day.

This journey is not over--actually never will be. I've got lots more progress to make. But I praise God for what he is doing in my life, and as He brought to my mind last night, "He that began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

When the New Year began, God laid a scripture on my heart that I have been clinging to ever since then. I've never had what some people call a "life verse" or even a verse for the year. But until God gives me another one, I will continue living with this one in my heart during this season of my life:

"Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you." Joshua 3.5

Each day I try to ask myself what I need to do in order to more fully consecrate myself to God's service. What kind of junk needs to be cleaned out. What kind of attitude needs to change. What kind of thought pattern needs to be reversed.

Because one thing is certain--I do not want to miss the amazing things the Lord is doing.